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Key points to remember

• Family violence is traumatic for children and can have long-term effects on their health and wellbeing.
• If you are experiencing family violence, it is not your fault, and you are not to blame.
• Your child can recover from the impacts of family violence with your help and the support of professional support services.
• Talk with your child about what is happening and help them to feel safe.
• Build your child’s resilience so they can cope with hard situations and lead healthier lives.

Family violence affects many families. Experiencing family violence is traumatic for babies, children and young people. It can have long-term effects on their health and wellbeing.

There are many ways to help children who are affected by family violence, and there are many support services available to help. You do not have to get through it alone.

Please remember that if you are experiencing family violence, it is not your fault. The person using violence is responsible for their behaviour and for any harm this may cause to family members, including your child.

No one should feel unsafe in their home or family. Family violence is not okay.

What is family violence?

Family violence is behaviour that controls or threatens someone. It can involve:

• physical abuse or threats of physical harm
• sexual violence, including forcing or pressuring someone to become pregnant
• emotional or psychological abuse, including name-calling, putting someone down, denying their feelings, undermining their relationship with their child and making them feel like a bad parent
• financial abuse, such as controlling someone’s access to money
• isolating someone, such as stopping them from seeing their family and friends
• cyber abuse, including controlling, harassing or constantly checking up on someone using social media, internet, emails, messaging or texting.

Family violence tends to be a pattern of behaviour that builds over time, and experiences can vary between family members. People of any age, income, sexuality, social background, culture or religion can be affected by family violence. Family violence can involve partners, ex-partners, parents, siblings, carers and other extended family members.

How family violence can impact your child’s health

Children living in a home where there is family violence will experience the violence in many ways. Sometimes, children can be injured, verbally abused or intimidated. They may see or hear fighting, crying, yelling, loud noises or someone being hurt.

It is very harmful to a child to watch a parent deliberately hurt another parent – whether it is physical hurt, hurting their feelings, or hurting them by controlling their independence.

Even when children do not actually see or hear the abuse, living with family violence can lead to fear and stress, threatening their health and wellbeing. They may notice the impacts on the parent who has been abused and may feel unsafe due to the unpredictable environment at home.

Children and young people may be unable or unwilling to tell you how they are feeling and may not have the language to express their concerns. They may also express their feelings through how they or their bodies react. For example, physical pain or feeling sick are ways the body can express what words cannot. Headaches, stomach aches and stress reactions such as rashes or sleep changes are common. Babies and toddlers may act distressed when separated from their primary caregiver.

The following signs may indicate your child needs support due to the impacts of family violence. However, these signs may also be due to other reasons; if you are worried, take your child to a doctor or Maternal and Child Health Nurse. It is a good idea to find a trusted doctor who knows you and your child – they can work with you to find the causes of your child’s symptoms.

Signs in babies and toddlers:

• Acting unsettled and difficult to soothe (e.g. excessive crying, sleep disturbances, feeding problems)
• Startling easily and being very anxious or clingy
• Being emotionally withdrawn (e.g. reduced interest in familiar people, toys or activities)
• Showing signs of aggression when playing
• Developmental milestone delays (e.g. language development, mobility)
• Underweight for age
• Frequently unwell
• No verbal play (e.g. not imitating sounds).

Signs in pre-schoolers:

• Extreme clinginess
• Significant sleep and/or eating problems
• Poor concentration in play, antisocial play or a lack of interest in engaging with others
• Frequently unwell
• Poor language development
• Showing aggression towards others
• Inability to empathise with others.

Signs in primary school-age children:

• Trouble controlling their emotions (e.g. mood swings, aggression, anxiety)
• Poor concentration
• Performing poorly at school or refusing to go to school
• Acting withdrawn and not playing with friends
• Returning to behaviours they had when they were younger (e.g. bedwetting, separation anxiety, not wanting to sleep)
• Self-harming
• Frequently unwell
• Limited tolerance and low impulse control
• Delayed or poor language skills
• Poor coping skills
• Physical abuse or cruelty to others, including pets.

Signs in adolescents:

The same as signs in primary school-aged children, as well as:

• eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal thoughts or attempts
• depression or anxiety
• skipping school, lack of focus in the classroom and behavioural changes at school or during out-of-school activities
• risky behaviours (e.g. drugs, alcohol, unprotected sex)
• increase in symptoms related to chronic health conditions (e.g. asthma, diabetes)
• pregnancy
• controlling or manipulative behaviour
• criminal or antisocial behaviour, including violence
• homelessness or frequent changes in housing arrangements.

How to help children and young people affected by family violence

With proper support and safety measures, children and young people can heal and recover from the impacts of family violence.

It is important to look after yourself in this process, too. Your wellbeing matters, and you will be better placed to care for your child if you take care of your own needs.

Listen, talk and spend time with your child

Depending on your child's age, talk with them about what is going on. It is normal for kids not to tell parents how much they know about the violence because they do not want to hurt or worry you. But if they do not talk to anyone, children often feel like they are to blame or that they caused the violence.

Give your child opportunities to ask questions and share their understanding of what has happened to your family. Allow them to express their feelings and acknowledge that they may have mixed feelings. It is an enormous task for a child to understand what is happening at home. It can be helpful to name the events and feelings surrounding the exposure to violence.

Reassure your child that the violent behaviour was not their fault, and they are never to blame. Children need to know they are loved, they deserve a safe home, and they are allowed to talk about things that worry them at home.

The person who is using violence may try to undermine or attack your bond with your child. However, spending time with your child and taking to them often will help maintain a strong bond.

Your child may prefer to talk to another supportive adult, such as an aunt, uncle, grandparent or family friend. They may also like to talk with a teacher, school counsellor, doctor or an online or phone support service like Kids Helpline (1800 551 800). Reassure your child that it is safe for them to tell a supportive adult about their home situation. Some kids might be scared of being taken away from their parents if they tell anyone.

Help your child feel safe

Children often feel responsible for keeping their parent and siblings safe from family violence. Make sure your child knows it is not their responsibility to try and stop the violence or protect you.

Talk with your child about things they would like to do to help them feel safe when things get scary at home. For example, they could go to their room and hug a comfort toy, call grandma, or listen to their favourite music.

It is always a good idea to teach your child how to call 000 in an emergency and how to give your address.

There are family violence support services that can help you prepare a safety plan that will help you keep your child safe when violence escalates. See below for contact details.

Building resilience in children and young people

Resilience is the ability to cope with hard situations. Building your child’s resilience will help them be healthier and more hopeful (however, this can be difficult while violence occurs).

Some ways to build your child’s resilience include:

• Maintain their social connections – give your child opportunities to spend time with caring family and friends and do activities they enjoy, such as hobbies and sports.
• Encourage them to think positively – remind your child to focus on the good things in their life, such as what they are good at and the activities they enjoy.
• Reinforce self-respect – help your child understand that they matter and should be treated with respect by other people (e.g. they can tell a classmate “Stop it, I don’t like it” if someone is hurting them). Teach them that violence is never okay and to be kind and respect others.
• Allow them some independence and control – let your child help make decisions that affect them as appropriate for their age and developmental stage.

You do not need to do all this alone. Family violence support services can support you to build your child’s resilience. You can also talk to your doctor about other services that can help.

Family violence support services

If you or your children are in immediate danger, call the police (000).

The following agencies can help you think about ways to keep yourself and your child safe, including taking out legal orders and letting childcare or school know who can collect your child:

• 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault and family violence counselling service. Available online and on the phone 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
• Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre (1800 015 188) – a crisis service providing support and access to refuges for women and children, Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Children and young people aged five to 25 can contact:

• Kids Helpline (1800 551800) – a private and confidential phone and online counselling service. Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Men’s services include:

• No to Violence Mens Referral Service (1300 766 491) – the national referral service working with men to end family violence, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
• MensLine (1300 789 978) – a telephone and online counselling service supporting men with concerns about mental health, anger management, family violence, addiction, relationship stress and wellbeing. Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

For more information

• Speak to your doctor or Maternal and Child Health Nurse
• Raising Children Network: Family violence: what is it?
• Raising Children Network: Family violence: effects on parents, children and families
• 1800RESPECT: Domestic and family violence and children
• Daisy app: Information about family violence support services, developed by 1800RESPECT
• Domestic Violence Resource Centre: What’s OK at home? (WOAH), resource for children and teenagers

Developed by The Royal Children’s Social Work department. We acknowledge the input of the Department of Health and Human Services, RCH consumers and carers.

Reviewed December 2024

Please always seek the most recent advice from a registered and practising clinician.