For parents who have experienced the death of a child, life has changed in deep and lasting ways.

At a time of shock and strong feelings, families are faced with making difficult decisions, planning a funeral and facing the future. This information is intended to provide some guidance for you at this time.

How you might feel - Grieving

Initial Feelings

Immediately following a child's death, many parents describe feelings of confusion, numbness, anger, sadness, guilt, blame, relief and desperation. It may be impossible to believe that your child has died. Some parents describe the first few weeks as being on 'autopilot' or 'in a haze'.

At such a time it can be hard to take in what others are telling you. You may need to ask for information to be repeated or have it written down. 

As time passes

Gradually, your reactions might change. Some feelings may become more intense for a time. Others may fade.

Grief affects every part of your being. You might experience physical reactions such as being unable to sleep, exhaustion or pain as well as emotional and spiritual responses. Because of the closeness between a parent and a child, some parents have spoken about experiencing the presence of their child. For some this is comforting and for others it may be frightening. It is a natural reaction but one which may leave you feeling very strange.

Lots of parents describe feeling alone with their grief. It can be hard to relate the immensity of your pain to others.

• There are some people who are to afraid to listen or who place unreal expectations on the way you "should" grieve.
• There is no normal way to grieve. You may grieve differently from your partner and other family members.
• Some people want to talk freely and often while others find solace in keeping their thoughts to themselves.
• It is important to stay true to your own experience and do what seems right for you at any given time.

Looking to the future

We know that after your child has died, life will never be the same as it was before. There is no time frame or end point to grieving but it will change over time (sometimes increasing in intensity for no apparent reason and at other times easing). Listen to and care for your self along the way.

Parents do find ways to live with their loss. For many there is a gradual re-engagement with life and its many activities. Some parents describe participating in activities that help to make sense of or make something good come out of their tragedy. Whilst you will always hold your child in your heart, you can build a life that is worthwhile and has happiness in it. 

What might be helpful

Every parent finds different ways of supporting themselves. Some things might be very personal and solitary such as spending time cuddling your child's teddy bear, writing journals or poetry or carrying something of your child's with you. Sharing memories and feelings with friends and family who listen and offer their support can often be helpful. Talking with your family doctor can also be useful. Sometimes engaging in activities that offer distraction or rejuvenation such as seeing a movie, exercising, yoga or even returning to work can also be helpful.

Many parents who have joined support groups or attended counselling have spoken of the benefits of this type of support, information and understanding. The hospital social workers can help put you in touch with counselling and support groups in your area. You may not want to go down this path immediately, but it is important to remember the door is always open when you feel ready.

You should receive an appointment from your child's doctor to meet with him/her to discuss any questions or concerns about your child's care and autopsy results (if one has been conducted). This usually happens approximately 8 weeks after your child died. This is an opportunity to review the events that led to your child's death, the care and treatment that took place and raise any questions or concerns. Many families have found this discussion very helpful to them. It may be important to meet with your child's doctor more than once. You can also arrange to meet with your chaplain or social worker before, during or after the appointment.

In the next couple of months you will receive an invitation to the Royal Children's Hospital Family Bereavement Support Programme which is coordinated by the Social Work Department. This programme offers groups, newsletters, occasional services for children and grandparents, information and referral to community services and with the chaplains an annual memorial service.

Some other community organisations that you may find supportive are listed on this pamphlet.

Brothers and sisters

If your child who died has brothers and sisters this can be a very confusing time for them. They may not even be old enough to fully understand that death is forever and may ask when their brother or sister is coming back. They may experience sadness, anger, relief, guilt and wonder if their angry thoughts toward their sibling was the cause of their death.

It is important to explain to them in simple terms that their brother or sister has died and what this physically means. Letting them know it is not their fault is also important. It may help with their understanding to allow them to see their brother or sister in hospital and staff can help you to prepare them for how he/she may look. Be prepared for questions and repetition - it is difficult to take all this in.

Children do not always express their grief in the same way as adults. There may be periods when they seem not to be affected and other times when they express their grief in words or behaviours. Returning to some usual family routines can assist them to feel secure. Children may also want to comfort their parents in times of sadness and it is important to reassure them that it is ok to be sad after their sibling's death.  Expressing your emotions in front of your child can help them to feel OK about their own feelings.

Sometimes children can benefit from counselling - the 'safety' of talking to someone separate to the family can provide support and information.  Attending peer support groups can also provide some comfort and connectedness.

Bereavement Support Services

Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement - Phone: 03 9817 7266.
Toll free information/referral line: 1300 664 786. Website: www.grief.org.au
Provides a referral and counselling service for those eight years and older, information evenings, support groups for adults and children and information about grief and bereavement.

Very Special Kids (VSK) - Phone: (03) 9804 6222 or 1800 888 875. Website: www.vsk.org.au
Offers bereavement counselling, support and referral services for families who have been using their service. This includes support groups for children and adolescents.

SIDS and Kids - Phone: (03) 9822 9611 or 1800 240 400. (24 hour consult)
Website: SIDS and Kids Online (Victoria)
Offers counselling, support groups and excellent written resources for all those affected by the sudden and unexpected death of a child six years and under.
(NB: Some rural areas, such as Geelong and Ballarat) take referrals for children up to 18 years.)

Mercy Western Grief Outreach Services - Phone: 03 9364 9838 
Provides counselling, support groups and consultation and liaison with culturally diverse services in the Western Region of Melbourne.

SANDS Vic (Sudden and Neonatal Death Support) - Phone: 03 9899 0218 
Website: www.sandsvic.org.au/ 
Self Help organisation with telephone support and parent groups.

The Compassionate Friends Victoria Inc - Phone: 03  9888 4900
Website:http://www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/ 
Self Help Organisation offering 24 hour telephone support, library and parent support groups.

NALAG (National Association for Loss and Grief) - Phone: 03 9650 3000  
Website: www.nalagvic.org.au/  
Provides information and referral to grief services, self-help and support groups and maintains a database of available counsellors.

Road Trauma Support Team - Phone: 1300 367 797. 
Statewide counselling and support services for people affected by road trauma.